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Monday, January 10, 2011

The Mother Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer

AKA the Pokerstars Carribean Adventure. The Allpro is not updating his blog during this fine event, his lazeass freeloading poor as dirt brother is taking the helm. A LITTLE ABOUT ME. I'm the poorest guy at this entire resort, and the only game I can afford to play is video poker for quarters. I play Magical cards, and was the WI State Champ (omfg). Magic is like Poker except far more enjoyable to play and with absolutely no money.

In some sort of GRAND MIRANDA there are totally redic photos of all the Pokerstars
Pros, and Dave Williams, a familiar Magic face stared down SULTRILY. So I made this wonder in paint. Just. Fuckin. Look. At. Mister. Williams. Hot damn what a cool guy oh wait he plays Magical cards. Nevermind. NOTHIN TO SEE HERE FOLKS. His collar may be at a precarious 120 degrees of popitude, but that doesn't cover up the fact he slings spells as a planeswalker on Dominaria. What a NERD.

And this fucking hotel is so balling it embarrasses me to walk around in my graphic tees and clearance rack jeans. They have a god damn lazy river that is SO LAZY it has a conveyor belt that hauls your fat useless ass up to a waterslide.

They also have this totally bomb-ass aquarium with some happy and some not so happy fishes. The award for most miserable fucking do nothing fish of the century goes out to Grump Grouper, the 4,000 pound fish in a tank I'd be shamed to call my bathtub. He is completely incapable of any form of locomotion in his pint sized sardine tin. His grandness and majesty are too great for his confines, and I say we shed his mortal coil. Grouper nuggets would be a fitting way out of his terrible life.

On the other hand, my Award for Most Bossing Fish Like Creature in the Bomb-Ass
Aquarium easily goes to the Manta Bros. These bamfs are like 8 feed wide and always have each others' backs. They cruise like the champions @ lyfe they know they are. When you walk along the walkways above the tank, these bad ass fuckers FLIP YOU OFF ALL THE TIME. Just stick their god damned fins out of the water, because DO YOU WANNA GO TURKEY? DO YOU? I DON'T THINK YOU WANNA FUCKIN GO, BRAH.



Well, that's enough shitty tom-foolery. Let's move onto some poker that happened. On Saturday, Day 1a Allprowi's coach bfizz11 duked it out in a melancholy ballet that had him down to 19k after an early lead. He managed to double up to 40k when a new player approaches his table. It was none other than bfizz's OWN COACH. DUN DUN DUN. But yeah WHATEVER bfizz ended at 50k and his coach caught Day 2 at a meh 37k.

Day 1b just concluded and it was Allpro's turn to battle it out through the monotonous hours of painfully low blinds. However, every time I went to check in on him something 100% great was happening. Whenever I came over he'd win his hand (personal memo, check on him more). Then this one thing happened.
My bro re-raises this guy up to 4.5k. The guy throws in 2 4k chips with the intent to raise but didn't say anything. BUT THAT KID DIDN'T SAY SO. So he got rule stomped into just calling. My brother checked into the river, hit his 2 pair, sacked more money out of that guy, and the dude is the nicest of sports, he really took it well OH WAIT. HE THREW HIS CARDS IN THE AIR AND FREAKED OUT. The cards land on the floor and that dumb spastic mother fucker gets some penalties on his ass. He was mad. It was funny. I made an MSPaint comic about it.

Allprowi ended Day 1b at a healthy 103k, well above the average stack level. GOOD LUCK BROHAN, GIT IN DAT MONEY.

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