Online Poker

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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

What is Wrong With You

I'm gonna do a PROPS and SLOPS from the waterpark today. It was. Interesting.

PROPS:

The lifeguard that flipped me over as I was trying to get into my tube.

This may not seem like a prop worthy moment, maybe even straight douchey. However it was really fucking funny, and the lifeguard had a sick read that I wasn't a brat that would complain a bunch. ALL IN GOOD FUN.

The birds, oh god the birds.

Multiple people left their food to grab condiments, which is retarded because all the condiments are on the tables, and CLOUDS OF BIRDS WOULD DESCEND ON THE FOOD. It got TORE UP. It was redic status. So many fucking birds, so many ruined sammiches.

SLOPS:

THE WIND RUINING EVERYONES FUN. FUCKING WINDY AS THE DICKENS.

The entitled Jew.

Nobody cares how bored you are. There are like 2 fucking rules at the waterpark, it's not hard to follow them. I know you have a trust fund, but that doesn't make the world revolve around you. Don't be such an ass to the life guards that are just trying to do their jobs, forced to watch douches like you all day.

The fucking Eastern European kid.

He went down the waterslide after me, and in the splash pool he took a bunch of water into his mouth and spit it at me. "Oh, wow, gross." I exclaimed in disgust. Obviously his response was to reload, and spit at me again with a big shit eating grin on face. I just had to walk away because what the fucking fuck. Honestly, Eastern Europe, this is why everyone thinks you are dirty. BECAUSE YOU FUCKING ARE.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Oh Sweet Buttery Justice

While Allprowi and I were bumming around the water park, wrecking slides and slayin bitches, we ran into a rather suspected patron. The taxi-cab d-bag that was all up on online players was in line for a water slide today at around 12:30, which MEANS?! OH YEAH, that bitch didn't money. OHHOHOHOHOHO. The Justice, it is moist and savory, and tastes a little bit like well deserved tears.

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Online Grinder and the Infinite Sadness



Allprowi's bro again, updating you on the current PCA news. Today was a rough time for the good guys, and evil struck mighty blows. Allprowi was up early then got switched to a table that was all pros, one was Viktor Blom, zomg, and there was some others and shit. AND OMG ALLPROWI WAS RIGHT THERE, PLAYIN POKER WITH THE PRO POKERERS. Allpro wanted to be sharkin' some fishes on Day 2 but he ended up in the goddamn shark tank. He was rocking a reasonable stack until he lost 75% of it on some gay hand that he's too cool to complain about so I'm doing the complaining instead. He had J7os and the cards come down 9779J. He insta-calls his opponents river bet, but he had T9 for the blow outs. Earlier in the day bfizz had busted so there was general sad panda-ing going on. This is Allpro on his break after the bad beat. A few hours later he ran bust as well. During the break we had a quick chat with bfizz's coach, who had been running really well Day 2 turning his 37k into over 200k. So congrats to him, I'm just assuming he didn't bust and made Day 2. So for Team Good Guys the Main Event is over, which means the free vacation and side events get to start.

DAY 0 RECOLLECTIONS

In the Atlanta air port on the way down a guy awkwardly introduced himself to us and talked about poker for a few minutes. Then on Saturday we saw him at the water park and was all, oh heeey. But like, we don't know his name or whatever, or if he even made Day 3, but on the off chance he did MAY HE WIN ALL THE CHIPS, ALL OF EM. MAKE HIS OPPONENTS HEMORRHAGE THEM DOLLAHS. I guess. He seemed nice.

Also once in Nassau we picked up a cab with 2 other poker players. Some point during the 45 minute long 8 mile cab ride one of the other players in the cab started talkin some whack shit. He stated how glad he was that the tournament would be super soft from all the online players. And oh man, even all those nub-ass Supernova Elites get packages without doing anything?! GONNA BE SO SOFT. Now, I don't know that much about poker, I've tried some grinding and what not, but I know enough that live players are lulzy and online players actually are capable of doing percentages in their head. So Allpro and I choked back giggles as this guy went on and on about online players, regardless of the fact that he was one of the people who picked up his package in the online queues... Dunno who he was, or if he busted, but if he has, lolololol get murked, get raped, get stomped, etc.

The Mother Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer

AKA the Pokerstars Carribean Adventure. The Allpro is not updating his blog during this fine event, his lazeass freeloading poor as dirt brother is taking the helm. A LITTLE ABOUT ME. I'm the poorest guy at this entire resort, and the only game I can afford to play is video poker for quarters. I play Magical cards, and was the WI State Champ (omfg). Magic is like Poker except far more enjoyable to play and with absolutely no money.

In some sort of GRAND MIRANDA there are totally redic photos of all the Pokerstars
Pros, and Dave Williams, a familiar Magic face stared down SULTRILY. So I made this wonder in paint. Just. Fuckin. Look. At. Mister. Williams. Hot damn what a cool guy oh wait he plays Magical cards. Nevermind. NOTHIN TO SEE HERE FOLKS. His collar may be at a precarious 120 degrees of popitude, but that doesn't cover up the fact he slings spells as a planeswalker on Dominaria. What a NERD.

And this fucking hotel is so balling it embarrasses me to walk around in my graphic tees and clearance rack jeans. They have a god damn lazy river that is SO LAZY it has a conveyor belt that hauls your fat useless ass up to a waterslide.

They also have this totally bomb-ass aquarium with some happy and some not so happy fishes. The award for most miserable fucking do nothing fish of the century goes out to Grump Grouper, the 4,000 pound fish in a tank I'd be shamed to call my bathtub. He is completely incapable of any form of locomotion in his pint sized sardine tin. His grandness and majesty are too great for his confines, and I say we shed his mortal coil. Grouper nuggets would be a fitting way out of his terrible life.

On the other hand, my Award for Most Bossing Fish Like Creature in the Bomb-Ass
Aquarium easily goes to the Manta Bros. These bamfs are like 8 feed wide and always have each others' backs. They cruise like the champions @ lyfe they know they are. When you walk along the walkways above the tank, these bad ass fuckers FLIP YOU OFF ALL THE TIME. Just stick their god damned fins out of the water, because DO YOU WANNA GO TURKEY? DO YOU? I DON'T THINK YOU WANNA FUCKIN GO, BRAH.



Well, that's enough shitty tom-foolery. Let's move onto some poker that happened. On Saturday, Day 1a Allprowi's coach bfizz11 duked it out in a melancholy ballet that had him down to 19k after an early lead. He managed to double up to 40k when a new player approaches his table. It was none other than bfizz's OWN COACH. DUN DUN DUN. But yeah WHATEVER bfizz ended at 50k and his coach caught Day 2 at a meh 37k.

Day 1b just concluded and it was Allpro's turn to battle it out through the monotonous hours of painfully low blinds. However, every time I went to check in on him something 100% great was happening. Whenever I came over he'd win his hand (personal memo, check on him more). Then this one thing happened.
My bro re-raises this guy up to 4.5k. The guy throws in 2 4k chips with the intent to raise but didn't say anything. BUT THAT KID DIDN'T SAY SO. So he got rule stomped into just calling. My brother checked into the river, hit his 2 pair, sacked more money out of that guy, and the dude is the nicest of sports, he really took it well OH WAIT. HE THREW HIS CARDS IN THE AIR AND FREAKED OUT. The cards land on the floor and that dumb spastic mother fucker gets some penalties on his ass. He was mad. It was funny. I made an MSPaint comic about it.

Allprowi ended Day 1b at a healthy 103k, well above the average stack level. GOOD LUCK BROHAN, GIT IN DAT MONEY.